


Doubt

by justanothertheaternerd



Series: Emotions [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Basic Connor Stuff, Connor has such slow character development you don't even know, Connor's a dick, Connor's denying, Cutting, Cynthia's trying, Depression, Evan the new kid, Evan's gonna cry, Eventual Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Idk Evan's a player, It's only 8th grade tho, Middle school my bois we all love it, Schizophrenia, Smart Is The New Sexy, Some Kleinsen??, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, artistic Evan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-04-28 08:19:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14445198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanothertheaternerd/pseuds/justanothertheaternerd
Summary: Evan Hansen was a simple boy. He went to school, did his homework, and occasionally stayed home from school due to being 'sick'.However, feelings emerge between him and many of his classmates.Most of them being stupid feelings.Some of them being serious feelings.The worst part?Everything.





	1. Chapter 1

Evan Hansen was currently sitting on his bed, pondering his choices. Should he take a mental health day?

Probably.

But, it was the first day; he can't miss it!

The boy groaned, easing himself down onto his bed. He began breathing, slowly and carefully. He began feeling his anxiety, creeping straight into his mind, sending a strike of fear down his spine. He felt his lip start to quiver.

'C'mon, don't cry, you always fucking cry..'  
'There's nothing bad about the first day of school!'

...

A new school, that is.

And he wanted to make sure that his impression was set.

So, Evan sat up, making his decision of what to do. School it was.

Walking into his tiny closet, he glanced at his choices. He craved for something plain. He wanted something that definitely didn't stand out. Something that he wouldn't get noticed in..  
So, picking out a small, blue striped polo from his rack, he flung it to his bed, subsequently moving to his dresser. As he tore each one open, he glanced over the contents.

What wouldn't stand out?  
Jeans, shorts...  
Khakis.

He considered a baggy pair of khakis in the drawer, tossing it to his bed on top of his shirt.

Then, after he quickly changed, he flattened his hair down in his mirror, exhaling slightly.

'It's just Middle School, there's nothing bad about it!'  
'You're gonna fail-'  
'We're gonna be fine!'

Evan practically knocked over the stack of books on his desk as he reached for his pills.  
As soon as he was diagnosed as a schizophrenic, his mom spent half of her paycheck money on those pills. After all, having a schizophrenic son is very terrifying.  
It's especially terrifying for Evan.  
It felt like those voices were about to execute him one day.  
Like, one day, they'll convince Evan to take a razor and-

At this, Evan felt the sudden warm liquid overtake his eyes. Was this even okay? To be terrified of yourself?  
Evan couldn't help it.

So, wiping away the cursed tears, Evan made sure his backpack was put together. As soon as the textbooks and notebooks were in Evan's bag, He zipped it up, sighing.  
This was supposed to be good.

His appointments with Dr. Sherman were getting more frequent, and Jared's at this new school, so all is great, right?

He hoped it was.

After all, there wasn't much Evan could do right now.  
He couldn't convince his mom to move schools, he couldn't fake sick today, and he couldn't miss out on making some new friends.

Ha.  
Friends.  
Something Evan knows nothing about.  
He hoped that maybe this new school would welcome anxiety-ridden kids like himself.  
Keyword being 'hoped'.  
He couldn't possibly know how this was going to go.  
After all, he's most likely gonna cling to Jared for most of the year.  
God, he wished he could just curl up into a ball and die.

After all, why even go to school when you aren't welcomed there and don't want to go anyway?

This exact question would also be asked, across from Evan's house.  
That's right, just a street over.

By the one and only Connor Murphy.

You see, Connor's endured quite the strenuous life.  
Clinics, doctors, therapists, and pills.  
Anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, and more.  
Everything.

Connor's been through it all.

Thus, he sat on his bed, staring at himself in the mirror in the corner of his room.  
He pondered his choices.

He even contemplated death.  
Nevertheless, he knew he couldn't.

Not today, at least.  
He knew he couldn't.

Because, no matter how hard he'd try, he'd find something grasping him back.  
Perhaps it was the promise of blueberry pancakes in the morning for breakfast, or the guarantee of spaghetti for dinner.  
The simpler things.  
Or, the bigger things.

'How would mom react?'  
'Imagine the pain...'  
'Would that really help?'

Only, these weren't exactly the things holding Connor back.  
In fact, Connor didn't care for any of that.  
The only thing that was holding Connor back, was the reason.  
But, the reason was Connor didn't have a reason.  
Connor was in shock at this.

That there was really no reason he shouldn't kill himself.

Accordingly, he gave a deadline.  
This Friday.  
And today was Monday.

 

The beginning of one of the worst (or best) weeks in Evan and Connor's lives.


	2. Chapter 2

Evan walked into school, taking in the sudden and horrid scenery of high school. Jocks, pinning and kissing their girlfriends to lockers, boys getting pushed into them even.  
Until a girl approached him.

"Hello! I'm Alana. I haven't seen you here last year, are you new?"

Needless to say, Evan was taken aback by the sudden jumpiness and energy from the girl.

"Oh, w-well, I, uh.."

Evan gulped, his heart beginning to race.

'Don't fuck this up! An actual person is communicating with you!'  
'Say something!'  
'Anything!!'

"Yes!"

Evan shouted, loud enough to echo through the hallway.  
Suddenly, it went a little silent, everyone staring the poor boy.  
Suddenly, with a massive lump growing in his throat and his eyes beginning to tear, Evan headed to the nearest bathroom.  
Just to his luck, the bathroom reeked of weed.  
Great.

Also, to his luck, someone was smoking in the stall next to him.  
Great.

Thus, Evan tried desperately to calm himself, trying not to cry too loud.  
After all, crying on the first day of school is bad.  
Very, very bad.

"Hard day already?"

He heard someone say.  
'Fuck, he overheard us..'  
It had the be the kid in the next stall.  
It was a male.  
With a slightly high, calm voice.  
Nevertheless, it made Evan almost burst into sobs again.

"I- y-yeah.."

Evan weakly chuckled, leaning against the locked stall door.

"Same. Mom made me come to school. As if that'd help me make fucking friends, right?"

The kid said, snickering to himself as he took another puff to blow out.  
Evan was still terrified beyond words.

"S-Same.. My mom s-said I, uh, had to make friends t-to start off the year.."

Evan mumbled slightly, still resisting the sudden urge to sob, uncontrollably.  
So, as he heard the kid blow out yet another puff of smoke, the kid began to speak.

"Your name?"

He asked, just as Evan heard the stall door from the kid click open.  
Evan refused to get out. After all, he most likely would cry.  
There really is no reason..

"E-Evan. You?"

The boy weakly replied, now awaiting the other boy's answer.

"I don't give my name to people. Especially a stall stranger, so you figure it out."

The boy said, right outside the stall.  
The sudden silent rage, yet calmness of the boy's voice was almost soothing.  
Interesting.  
Evan contemplated stepping out, but he simply couldn't.  
What if he gets all emotional and stupid and gross-cries on a complete stranger he met in the bathrooms?  
That's terrifying.

Evan barely even noticed the other boy left until the bell rang.  
Briskly, he picked up his backpack, unlocked the stall, and ran out of the bathroom to class.  
God.  
This was already a terrible first day.

What would happen next to make this even more terrible?

Spoiler alert.

Everything.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan meets someone.

Evan found himself in the worst possible place.  
He sat there, in his seat in the far back corner of the classroom, staring out a window.  
How was this bad, you may ask?

The teacher was yelling at him.

“Mister Hansen!”

A sudden yell snapped Evan out of his thoughts, causing him to begin hearing the small murmuring of his voices.  
‘Pay attention next time, you idiot!’  
‘What the hell was that? On your first day?!’

“Y-Yes?”

Evan barely squeaked out, trying to find and breathe in even the most minuscule amount of air.  
He felt his throat getting restricted, his vision becoming significantly fuzzy.  
He barely heard the teacher over the sounds of his voices, growing and expanding around him.  
Trapping him.  
And just when he thought this day couldn’t get worse!  
Until suddenly, a kid snickered behind him, shushing all of the voices to a sudden silence.  
The kid kicked his feet up on the back of Evan’s chair, causing Evan to shiver.  
Until the boy began speaking.

“I mean, Napoleon had to be sick and showing signs of it at one point, right? So how come no one even bothered to help him?”

The kid sounded so familiar.  
But, Evan didn’t even dare to look behind him.  
Not yet.

“Valid point Connor, but back then, cancer wasn’t as noticeable.”

Connor.  
Connor who?  
Evan’s heard that name before.  
Probably from Jared.

…

Connor Murphy?  
Jared’s incessantly talking about him.  
Emo, with a dash of queer, he dubbed him.  
Jared used to tell Evan stories of how he caught Connor smoking in a bathroom in 6th grade.  
Like, how did that kid even has access to drugs?  
It had to the parents, right?  
Either way, Jared told Evan of the many suspensions, and detentions Connor’s had.  
Rumor had it that he got expelled from a Catholic School.  
In KINDERGARTEN.  
Rumor also had it, that Connor’s dad was an international drug dealer.  
And, Jared’s favorite rumor, was the time where they went to this one kid’s Bar Mitzvah.  
Everyone was having fun, until everyone stopped to look at the birthday boy.

Kissing Connor.

For weeks and months after, whispers and mutters of Connor’s sexuality exploded.  
At least that’s what Jared told him.  
Now, Evan wasn’t completely sure what he was.  
He’s crushed on female celebrities, but even male celebrities before, though, but he’d never tell Jared.  
Jared had a consistent case of homophobia.  
To the point where it was almost unbearable to hang around him.  
He’d shout insults at people when they hug their best friends.  
Even little boys.  
God, he’s rude sometimes..  
But it’s not like anyone else would hang around Evan.  
After all, Evan was annoying, terrible-

“Uhm, actually, it’s nevertheless cancer, so how come no one would’ve noticed it? Wouldn’t he have complained or something?”

“Perhaps. I’ll write it anyway..”

The teacher scribbled down something on the big whiteboard.  
‘Symptoms of Stomach Cancer’  
As Evan tried stabilizing his breathing, he heard the boy behind him whisper.

“You good, bro?”

Evan gulped and nodded, still refusing to look back and glimpse at the boy.  
‘Not yet.’

“Mister Murphy, do you want detention?”  
“Sure, give it to me, teach!”

An eruption of giggles around the room made Evan even more anxious if possible.

“Fine. Detention for you and Hansen.”

Evan’s worry grew even bigger.

Detention.

With Connor Murphy.

Great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating schedule might be mixed up, but I'll try to post every other day. Thanks for reading this chapter :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Detention is fun.  
> Especially with Connor Murphy.

Evan sat in his seat.

He held his breath.

Connor was across the room, hunched over sketching something in his notebook.

The detention teacher was on his computer, typing away on his laptop.

Connor seemed to notice.

He glanced over an Evan, who then glanced back.  
Connor glared, just making a shuffling noise before going back to sketching.  
The detention teacher sighed, staring at the clock.

"You two are going to be left alone in here, okay? Don't leave until I come back. It'll only take a second."

He said, getting up from his chair and leaving the room.  
The door shut behind him.  
Connor took a deep breath and stood up.

"Stand up fuckhead. We gotta run."

Evan was shocked.

Connor waited.

Evan couldn't move.

Connor just glanced over, sighing and shoving all of his contents into his bag, that was only half zipped up.  
He kept it that way.  
He swung it over his shoulder.

"Fuck you."

He said, walking out.

The door shut.

Evan couldn't just believe a thing that just happened.

Connor was interesting.  
Nothing that Evan's ever seen before.  
Saying it like that makes him sound like an animal, but still.

Evan packed up his stuff too, as quickly as he can, to try and catch up with Connor.

He ran out.

 

Running down the hall, his unbranded shoes squeaked, trying to catch up with Connor's plain, non-squeaky combat boots.

Connor had an airpod in.

Hm.

He's rich.

"W-Wait please-"

Evan asked quietly, causing Connor to not even look up from his phone.

"E-Excuse me-?"

Evan asked, running to Connor's side.

Connor simply sighed, taking out the airpod.

"What do you want?"

He asked, not looking up.

"U-Um- Where are you going? After this-?"

How confident Evan.

"Why the fuck do you care?"

Connor asked, glancing up for a second to see the anxious boy straight dead in the eye.

Evan just looked down, feeling a sense of regret.

"Nevermind- It was dumb."

He said quietly.

"Then don't waste my fucking time."

Connor said, walking faster to get away from Evan.

And Evan was left.

Dumbfounded.

It wasn't the best day ever, at all.

But it wasn't the worst.


End file.
